


Love in war is painful but worth it

by Charlie_Quinn



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Coming of Age, F/M, M/M, One Shot, it’s sad ok, sort of before war melancholy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:39:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25154083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charlie_Quinn/pseuds/Charlie_Quinn
Summary: How could he not have noticed? When he looks at them he feels like he’s intruding, they smile at each other like they haven’t seen anything better and Sirius has never grown up quite this much for anyone else. James hates this bloody war.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 20





	Love in war is painful but worth it

**Author's Note:**

> This is a one shot I dreamt up and thought I might as well write. Any spelling or grammar mistakes are from writing this quickly on my phone, enjoy!

The Gryffindor boys dorm was quiet. The only sound was two boys breathing. It seemed empty in the absence of the dorm's usual noise. Shouting and explosions. The hot summer’s air was thick with tension as well as heat. 

Finally the boy spoke. His face impassive and picking at his nails. Sirius didn’t look bothered. James knew that mask, he knew Sirius was trying to be calm in the face of something life changing. 

“Me and Remus” Sirius finally said. 

James looked pained. He stared down at the ground as he spoke each word, careful and measured. “I didn’t know.” 

Sirius gave him a sad grin, “I know mate, you- We tried not to be too obvious.” 

“All those jokes-“ James murmured 

“Pretty shit yeah. It’s ok though I get it.”  
Cut in Sirius. 

James finally looked into Sirius' eyes, the space between them stifling and far too apparent. “I’m sorry pads.” It was barely a whisper but of course it traveled and reverberated around the dorm. The weight of it settled on the boy's shoulders. 

Sirius jerkily nodded at him, picking at the blankets and staring at James. 

They sat there, silent, for a while. 

Finally it was broken. 

“Do you-,” 

“I really love him-,” 

James blinked at his friend. Love! They were seventeen for Merlin’s sake. What did they know about love? 

“Did you know he’s volunteering, with the rest of us? Said he’s got nothing better to do.” Sirius’ voice was measured but his hands shook as he spoke. 

“Pads you can’t stop him.” James put an awkward hand on Sirius’ shoulder. It had never been awkward for them to touch before. How time changes. 

“I know.” 

“He’ll do it whatever you say.” 

“I don’t want him to die.” It was said so plainly, without metaphor or implication. James took a while to reply. 

“Sirius we all could die.” 

“Yes but, he has some twisted loyalty to Dumbledore. Just for letting him into the school. If Dumbledore wants him to fight, he’ll fight. I’m not convinced Dumbledore doesn’t see us all as pawns in this war. Like some kind of twisted game of chess. If he did, Remus would be his knight, he’d do whatever he says.” Sirius’ voice shook as he spoke, the hand picking at his blanket pulling a thread loose and snapping it with deft fingers. 

James watched his hands. “Moony can take care of himself.” It was blunt and probably a little harsh but needed to be said. 

“Yes but James, he can't love himself, he won’t love himself. He’s so bloody stubborn, so self loathing. I have to do it for him. Don’t you see, he means more to me than anything. I can’t bear it sometimes.” The boy's voice was thick with emotion. Tears filling the corners of his eyes. He didn’t wipe them away. 

James looked shocked at his friend. “What do you suppose Dumbledore will make him do?” He wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear the answer. 

“Isn’t it obvious?” Sirius asked, James shrugged, “he’s a werewolf James. I’m sure Dumbledore can think of something for him to do. Go to camps in the full moon, convince them to join us, join the packs. There’s lots of uses for a willing lycanthrope, you wouldn't think Dumbledore would use them but, well-.” 

“Do you really think Dumbledore would-?” 

“YES JAMES,” sirius snapped. He scrunched the blanket in his fist. Seconds later Sirius let out a breath slowly through his nose, “we’re 17 and he’s trying to recruit us. Do you think he really cares about our lives? Say what you want about the greater good but we are soldiers James nothing more. We’ll probably die for this cause. Do you really think he cares?” 

James furrowed his brow, “we can’t not join Sirius, once we leave school. It’s our Duty to fight.” 

Sirius looked incredulously up at James, “Exactly we can't not. That’s why he asked us, he knew we wouldn't say no.” 

“And will, you say no?” James' voice wasn’t as clear as he would have liked. They were supposed to be going into this together. Fighting the Death Eaters, fighting for the greater good. It would be their next adventure. 

Sirius choked on a sob, “of course not,” he smiled a pained smile that didn’t really reach his mouth let alone eyes, “how could I?” 

It was in that moment that James felt the world shift. This wasn’t some stupid game or prank they where playing. This was a war. People will die. Even Sirius was for once being mature and understood what was happening better than James did. He got it. 

“If he was in trouble would you-?” 

Sirius interrupted him, “wouldn’t you? For Lily.” 

James gave him a wry grin, “how could I not.” 

The gravity of the situation seemed to choke James. He felt as though a thousand bodies rested on his shoulders. He thought of Lily. Fighting tooth and nail, if she was ever in danger. Of course he would save her. Maybe at seventeen you can understand love, at least if you can understand war. 

James realised with a jolt that he was scared. Absolutely terrified. 

They both looked up when the door creaked open. Remus walked through. His clothes were hanging off him more than usual and the bags under his eyes were more pronounced. Still, James saw Sirius beam at him like he was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. 

Remus smiled back and walked over to them. He rested a hand on Sirius' shoulder and fiddled with the boy’s long unkempt hair. 

James suddenly felt like an intruder watching them to look so happy just by each other's presence. Maybe love, in times of war, was painful. But it was sure as hell worth it.

James quietly slipped away towards the staircase to find Lily. He went unnoticed by the couple too lost in each other. From the doorway James spared a smile for them.  
‘How could he not have known’.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it!


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